How to Get Hired at a Conservative Company
You know what, people? It's a new year. This week I want start things off with a bang, break all the rules, and tell you how to get hired at a conservative company. Why? Well, according to the Google thousands of you are searching for how to do this very thing every week, and this happens to be a topic RedBalloon has some well-deep knowledge in.
"But hold on," you say, "You can't just ride your tank in and say here's how to get into a conservative company. Isn't that violating EEOC guidelines? Aren't you just coaching people on how to find employers that discriminate?"
Tip #1: Speak with Candor
Which brings me to tip #1: Candor. If you want to get a job at a conservative company, practice saying what you really think, even if there's some risk of offending the fragile among us. Conservatives value the truth. They value others that tell the truth. If you tell the truth, they're going to value you.
For instance, the truth is political affiliations are actually not covered by the EEOC, but our society is so litigious and risk-averse, that no one will just come out and say that. And another truth is, most Americans would rather find a workplace that values people telling the truth more than siting around in group therapy sessions talking about the tender feelings of endangered housecats in Ukraine.
If that's you, your first step is to get used to telling the truth, even in a corporate setting. And you can start by commenting on this post with the most uncomfortable truth you've ever said in an interview. Who knows? Maybe an employer who loves the truth will be watching.
Tip #2: Show Them That Business Is Something You Actually Like
You know what conservative business owners really like to hear? They like to hear that someone in this entitled, envious, crybaby culture cares that they built something that lasted.
Building a company is super hard. And we live in a time where people act like all someone has to do is pet the greed demon on their shoulder three times and poof a profitable company appears.
So here's my tip if you want to get hired at a conservative business.
Just...notice.
Just pay attention to what the business is trying to do. Pay attention to how long it's been around. And if you find all that impressive, say so.
And if you don't find it impressive, don't apply. And if you don't find any business impressive, you've really got bigger problems than your next job.
Tip #3: Cut the Safety Language
Cut the safety language from your script. No talk about "feeling hurt" or the rage-release retreat you took two years ago.
Yes, someone may have been mean to you once. Their being mean may have had consequences. But conservatives take the meanness of the world as a kind of creative confines. They acknowledge it, and move on. So conservative hiring managers will not be impressed that someone was mean to you. Duh. That's what happens in a fallen world.
They'll want to know how you were victorious over that meany-meany bad man, who may even have smoked cigarettes. You'll get bonus points if you got the bad man to like you. And even more bonus points if the story doesn't climax with some tear-filled speech.
In other words, if you want a job at a conservative company, you need to show that you know how to be strong, tough, resilient, and unafraid of scary words like, "underperforming" or "return on investment" or even "your report kind of sucks." Show that you can take it on the chin and keep going. Life is messy. The world is messy. We have to deal with it. That is, after all what we get paid for.
